Why??

***Warning Major Vent***

Why Me??? Why do I have to struggle with infertility? I have been on this journey for over 4 years. What do I have to show for it??? Nothing!!! I have experienced an ectopic pregnancy. Why??? What was wrong? Am I not to be a mother? I tested a couple of days ago and it was a BFN. Why?? Why did I have to experience a failed IVF? I am paying out of pocket. $15,000. Do you know what I could have done with that money??? My dad is dying. Why? Why is his life being taken and I can't even help nourish life? Old "folks" say that when God takes one He is bringing new life into the world. Why isn't that the case for my family? My dad's life is not being replaced with a new life. Why?

On Friday night, I went ahead and told Da'bear that the IVF didn't work. He was beyond devastated. The only thing that is helping me cope with it is the fact that my dad is dying. MY DAD IS DYING.... Talk about drama....when it rains it pours..... How much more can I take???

Da'bear said he was done....no more trying. I was then devastated. I just don't feel in my heart that God doesn't want us to be parents. Or, am I in denial????

The RE gave us a 72% chance of this cycle working. Wow, that is a high percentage. Funny how things turn out. What did I do wrong after the transfer? Did I scream too loud and mess up implantation? They told me I could use my laptop while on bed rest. Was the laptop too heavy to lift? Should I have been more consistent with the PIO shots....yeah, I didn't take them at the same time. Did that mess with implantation? Oh God, did I do something stupid to mess up my chances??

We got 25 eggs, 20 were mature, and 16 fertilized and continued to grow....I guess I should be thankful because I have 7 frozen blasts.....The embryologist told me I was the star patient. (eyes rolling) I bet I am the only one that is getting a negative beta tomorrow.

I explained to Da'bear that we had already paid for one Frozen Egg Transfer (FET). He became excited and said he wanted to do that as soon as possible. The down side of that is that the success rate is half of a fresh IVF....so mines was at first 72%.....so a FET would give me a 36% chance to get pregnant. I guess that is still better than doing nothing.

I am so upset. Everyone around me is getting pregnant. I am being left behind in many of my groups....even the one I started...geezz

It's kind of funny in a sad way.......I have always been the one that was positive...to have so much faith....Boy, this was a slap in the face.

Some say, maybe God is testing your Faith. Yeah, right....

Da'bear thinks that the beta will still be positive tomorrow... (bless his heart)

Well, I did have a dream last night that God was putting two babies inside my uterus. It was so weird. They didn't look like embryos. They looked like babies. It was a girl and a boy. It felt so good. It seemed so real. I guess I am going crazy because the boy baby had slime and stuff on it...like I wasn't pregnant before....but God was putting these babies in me right now....but at the growth that it should be if I had conceived when I should have. Wow....I can't believe I am writing this. My sister is really going to tell me I need to see someone...because this sounds really crazy. eek!

But tomorrow will be the day I have my confirmation. I have decided to not test today at 13dpo and I am not going to test tomorrow. I am emotionally drained. I feel that the old hag (AF) is just around the corner. My cervical mucus is wet and I am cramping. (All of my pre-AF signs.) So who knows what the dream meant....maybe I will understand why my life's struggles have to be hard. Maybe I will understand why my father is being taken away from me at the most vulnerable time in my life.